Whether it’s family, friends or life partner – when is it time to let go? After how many misunderstandings, and tear-filled mea culpas (through my own fault) do you throw in the towel?
One of the overarching themes in my life is being a fixer. Some people crumble into a heap, tear their clothes off and shout to the heavens. Others set about on a course of revenge, to give as good as they’ve gotten. I’ve decided that I’d rather talk things out, and have an exchange of ideas to muscle past the hurt into a place of understanding. We might never agree, but maybe if we share honestly we can find the mutual point of departure. And heck, maybe it’s just not that bad after all; especially if we can agree to disagree.
Because of this reasoning, my self-care demands strict boundaries. Sometimes my boundaries are stretched to their territorial limits, and sometimes they are frontally assaulted with a battering ram. It is up to me at any one time to decide what level of intrusion to accept or repel. And what tack to take in doing so.
Being fiercely serene often works for me. The more choleric and ill-tempered someone is toward me, the calmer and quieter my deportment becomes. That being said, I don’t believe in killing people with kindness. Because in my view, it feels false. And… If you kill with kindness, your adversary winds up “dead”.
No need for that, in my view. Being serene doesn’t mean appearing saintly, or holier than the next person. Far from it! I am mischievous, bawdy, and have a very snarky sense of humor, but remain peaceful at my core, even through anger and upset. And that is my spiritual base. Serenity is why I can entertain concepts foreign to me, not be offended by them, and choose what to take on board without ego.
Many people who deal with Mental Health concerns will find themselves grappling with boundaries at some time or another. Some may be the aggressors who fearlessly prattle on unaware that they’ve caused any harm. Though some are painfully aware of the damage their words or actions are having, and continue forward anyway. Someone famous once said “It’s not who’s going to let me, it’s who’s gonna stop me.” Peace be still. I cannot, and will not live my life that way. Others find themselves left feeling constantly assaulted by those who are unable or simply unwilling to moderate their way of navigating through the world. These times call for boundaries to be set.
Setting boundaries is not easy, but is definitely worth working toward as a goal. Notice that the word “try” has not been used here. Any steps taken outside your thought bubble toward change is a step toward achieving your goal. Even if it’s a misstep. But, setting boundaries means nothing if you aren’t willing to keep them.
Truthfully? Sometimes, the push-back can be jarring. Ultimately, processing through difficult feelings and situations to secure your self-worth and peace of mind can only be done on a case by case basis. It’s your decision at any time to decide what you will allow, and of that you allow whether to hang on to it or fling it away and continue forward.
So, when is it time to let go? When you’ve decided that all of your options have been explored. When you’ve decided that forgiveness costs too much, or doesn’t seem within reach. Forgiving is an act of kindness. Not for your transgressors, but for yourself. It is maturity and wisdom that is hard fought. And should be respected as such for the sheer gravity of the concept itself. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you’ll forget what has happened, but that for the sake of your peace of mind your decision is to process what you can, and jettison the rest. It means giving yourself a second or third chance to take a breath, and breath free – unburdened by someone else’s negativity or thoughtless behavior or deeds.
More about fixing…
I’m not “coey” (as in codependent) nor am I foolhardy. But in my heart of hearts, do people really believe that they should not be permanently discarded because of temporary emotions? If after an honest attempt to raise the level of discourse, some sort of agreement to disagree cannot be had, it’s time to take a break.
Chasing…
Also, not my style. And let’s be clear – some people need to be pursued to the end of the earth for you to prove your sincerity. But my self-worth isn’t tied into providing proof of my loyalty or friendship. Some things need to be established in and taken on faith. If my prior actions are not evidence enough of the depth of my caring, than debasing myself will certainly not be useful in doing so.
Recently, someone in a very dark place described themselves as broken. Instead of trying to argue them out of it, I decided to explain the beauty of otherness. In Japan many families have raku pottery bowls. These bowls are usually hand-thrown, made by artisans and deeply revered for generations. The bowls are often broken and mended with gold soldering in the cracks and fissures. The repairs add to the workmanship of the pieces, which are well cared for and passed down through the ages. No one looks at a raku bowl and winces at it or turns their nose up because of its imperfections. It is simply allowed to remain as it is and adored all the more for being repaired.
Beauty, trust and forgiveness are in the hearts and minds of the beholder. We all have an incomplete understanding of what our boundaries and triggers are, but let us seek the patience to be imperfect, and extend that courtesy to others as well.
Dominique Thomas
Dominique is a Mental Health Advocate, who has served on the board of directors of a NAMI affiliate. She continues her work as a support group facilitator, and resource advisor for a local Family to Family class. She is a trauma and abuse survivor who struggles with and survives the ebb and flow of having PTS. (She is adamant about dropping the “D” – feeling that it is unnecessarily stigmatizing)
Her journey to advocacy began at a tipping point in her marriage when she asked her husband about his diagnosis – Bipolar Depression. When he could not answer her very pointed questions, she was led to NAMI, where she found fellowship in a support group, and a family education course that changed the way she viewed her role as a caregiver, her diagnosis and that of her husband and mother-in-law.
Dominique revels in the art of cooking and paper crafting. She makes handmade cards for special occasions. Dominique states, “I feel grace and oddly peaceful when I make cards or cook. And I won’t do either for people I don’t like because it is a gift from my heat.” She is also an avid photographer.
In her spare time, Dominique is very active on social media, having created and posting on Facebook and Twitter accounts for her local NAMI affiliate. She also co-moderates a Facebook support group about Mental Wellness, and is a writer of short stories based on her favorite television shows and movies.
